My Story.

29 Feb

I am going to tell my story here in a little more detail, there is too much to say for me to say everything but, here’s a bit of my story.

I was looking forward to high school, a new place, new people, new start.  I had a few friends that were going to the same school so i wasn’t too worried. On the first day we just got to know the other people in our tutor class and got shown around the school.
So many new faces. I am such a quiet person, and maybe i come across as an unfriendly person too, i’m not sure. But anyway, a few people took a ‘dislike’ to me. They just laughed at me and that didn’t really affect me too much, it made me self concious but it wasn’t really bothering me at the time because i just thought they would grow up and stop it.

In English lessons we had to read out loud to the rest of the class, English was my favourite lesson but then when we started to do this reading out loud things changed.  The people who didn’t really like me started to laugh while i was reading and make comments about me. The teacher just shouted at them which stopped them for that lesson but the next time was the same. The teacher used to choose who would read so i’d pretend to already be reading or to be busy so that she wouldn’t pick me.
In our Food Tech lessons they would throw food at me, throw flour in my hair etc. Stare at me, laugh at me, make comments. If i was asked a question they would just laugh if i got the answer wrong and say that i was stupid.

I’d go into the school canteen to get my dinner and they would make comments saying that i was fat. In the end i started to go to the library instead because i knew they never really went in there. When they walked past the library they would shout through the door and call me a ‘boffin’. I tried to stay away from them as much as i could. When the bell went for the start of next lesson i’d have to walk past them, they would put their feet out infront of me to try and trip me up, or they would push me against the wall or against other people.

I’d also walk down the corridor and have comments made at me, they’d say i was ugly, a slag, fat, useless, waste of space, and so many other things. Some of the people that made comments didn’t even know me, they hadn’t been in a class with me, they didn’t even know my name!

I had been told that i was fat so many times, i cut down on how much i was eating and i started exercising a lot, after leaving sixth form my eating got worse. I haven’t been diagnosed with an eating disorder so i can’t say i have one, but i have lost a lot of weight because they said i was fat.

If they said things to me i wouldn’t reply, i’d just ignore them because that is what i had been told to do. At some point i decided that just ignoring them wasn’t working so i said something back to them, after this they got worse, they just kept repeating the thing that i had said to them.

The bullying didn’t stop when i got home, it would happen online too, people would make fake facebook profiles and add me, they would make statuses about me, put pictures up of someone they thought was ‘ugly’ and tag me in them, make profiles about me, spread more rumours about me, it never stopped.
One day i went out for a walk at night so i could phone the samaritans, i went to my local park so i could be alone and so no one could hear me, i heard some people talking so i started walking home, they started to shout at me saying “what the fuck are you doing here you ugly bitch” they started to walk behind me so i started walking faster, they were still shouting at me, calling me a lot of names, they started running after me swearing at me, there was a big group of them and only one of me. They were so close to catching me but i made it home before they could.
Another day i was in the park with a friend and these people were just walking into the park as we were going to walk out, they stood at the gate and held it closed so we couldn’t get out, they were just standing there not letting us leave, they started to make comments about us, i just ignored them and waited for them to let us leave.

One year i lost all of my friends because of rumours that were being spread about me, i spent a few months alone and not having anyone to talk to. I’d see my ‘friend’s’ in lessons but they had turned into bullies now too, they made comments about me. In the end it got sorted out by a teacher but i still can’t forget what happened with them.

I had a cousin that was in the same year as me but he was totally different to me, he was ‘popular’ and i wasn’t. He was in one class with me, i’d try to speak to him but he would ignore me because he cared more about his popularity than his family. He thought that if he was seen talking to me that would affect his ‘popularity’. He would laugh along with the comments made about me, and sometimes he would make his own. When he found out that i had been in a car crash he said he didn’t care.

So many times i had been to teachers to try and sort this out, i’d been to so many different teachers. One teacher told me  they couldn’t help because they weren’t in my class, another said to just ignore them. In year 11 it started getting worse again, i had been in a car crash, and had a few weeks off school, when i got back i was told that it ‘would of been good if you died’ and at some point i was also told that i deserve to die.
After everything i had been through with these people i started to get really low, and i started to self harm. I started getting thoughts of suicide, and sometimes i had acted on them. I was given counselling, and then because of my ‘suicidal and self harming behaviours’ i was referred to CAMHS (Child and adolescent mental health service) where i was finally diagnosed with depression and social anxiety which i still suffer with now.

I finished my GCSE’s and then i did one year of sixth form where i was still being bullied, after the first year of sixth form i decided not to go back for the second year because of the bullying. I couldn’t put myself through another year of that. I was also too scared to go to college or to get a job, so at the moment, i am doing nothing, no job, no education, and this is why i wish there was a place like Red Balloon for people 18+.

Although i have been through all of this and so much more that i haven’t wrote about, i wouldn’t change my past at all, it has made me who i am today, and it has made me meet all of the amazing people i have met on twitter. The bullies made me a better person!

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9 Responses to “My Story.”

  1. Vanessa Chapman February 29, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    When you describe stories like this, it always reminds me of how I think I was potentially close to being a bullying victim at school. I was always one of the real quiet ones, and I think, like you said, if you’re very quiet people can think you’re unfriendly, but more than that, they can think you’re stuck-up. I know people used to think that about me, I used to observe everyone chatting at school and I used to really wish I could think of something to say to join in the conversation, but I could think of nothing! So I used to just look at them with a bit of jealousy and I know that they used to think that I thought I was too good to talk to them.

    I’m pretty sure I avoided being bullied though for two reasons – firstly, the three friends that I mainly hung out with were popular, and they stayed with me, they didn’t ditch me just because I wasn’t as popular as them (I’m still friends with them now 25 years after leaving school!). The other reason was that I was dreadfully unhappy at school, I really hated it, and so I used to bunk off school very regularly, I rarely ever completed a full week at school , and recently one of those three friends told me that people used to think I was cool for bunking off all the time and getting away with it, which is kind of funny really, I had no clue that any of the kids would be impressed by me doing that!

    So when I read stories like yours, I really do feel like that could very easily have been me. I got picked on now and again, but then most people do, and you can cope with that – it’s the relentlessness of it being day after day, year after year, like it was for many of you that makes it impossible to cope with. I just want to give you a big hug that lasts forever! x

    • hiddenbeth February 29, 2012 at 11:58 am #

      Thank you for the comment!
      I was the same! Just watching people talk wishing i could think of something to say to join in, i’m still the same now. I’m really quiet at first but then when i get to know the person i am fine.
      I used to stay off school too, teachers used to talk to me about my low attendance, they used to worry about me not passing my exams because of much time i had off school. They never knew why i was off so much, i used to say i was ill, but it was because of the bullying.
      Hahaha ye, i don’t really understand why staying off school is “cool”.
      I’m sorry to hear you were picked on sometimes *cuddles*

      And thank you for the hug! ❤ xx

  2. Jenna Anxiety Help February 29, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

    Hi there Beth,
    Your story is heartbreaking, and should never have happened to you. It is important that you are sharing what happened to you as a way of educating others. Sadly, so many people fall victim to bullying and feel the emotional scars for a long time.
    It is so important to not internalize the bullying and start to believe what the bullies said.
    Bullying is all about how the bully is trying to feel better by putting others down.
    Beth, you are an awesome person and an inspiration to all of us. Thank you. Xx
    Jenna

    • hiddenbeth March 1, 2012 at 10:24 pm #

      Thank you so much for your comment *cuddles*.
      I know that we shouldn’t listen to what they are saying about us but it is so much harder to ignore the negative comments, i’m good at ignoring positive comments but not negative, i need to switch that round somehow.
      Thanks again xx

  3. angel2angel March 4, 2012 at 6:50 am #

    Hi Beth,
    I am so sorry that you have endured such an awful ordeal as these mindless idiots have caused you. The word bully does not begin to describe what these kinds of people are, the damage that they cause and the hurt that their actions continue to inflict long after the name calling pushing and shoving has subsided.
    You are such a strong girl for sharing your story, you are right sticks and stones may not break our bones but the hurt they cause will always haunt us……..

    All my strength to you

    Angel

    • hiddenbeth March 4, 2012 at 10:08 am #

      Thank you for your comment.
      I agree, they do more damage than people think.
      I just want to help others to know that they aren’t alone, and i wont be silenced 🙂

      Beth *cuddles* xx

  4. Sue March 5, 2012 at 9:53 pm #

    Beth,
    I am glad you are speaking out. My daughter was bullied and like you, she eventually left school. She blogged at From Inside The Heart about her experiences for a while, but she has stopped blogging for now. Please stay strong and keep getting the word out. I am trying to do the same, so believe me when I say I know it can be frustrating.

    Best Wishes!

    • hiddenbeth March 6, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

      Thank you for your comment, sorry to hear about your daughter, i hope the bullying gets sorted out! I hope she starts to speak out again, to show the bullies that they can’t silence us.

      x

      • Sue March 7, 2012 at 12:01 am #

        Me too!

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