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Keep The Strength.

22 Jul

I have some bad news, the bullying is starting up again, i’m getting messages on facebook and words said to my face, or when i walk past them, the main person causing this is an old best friend, she knows what i went through when i was bullied in school, she knows how ill i got. It’s so sad that she’s treating me like this, she wrote on facebook that she wishes i was dead. What she doesn’t know is that, i’m still very much suicidal, so it is so easy for me to say “you know what, i’ll do what you want, i’ll go and die”
It’s disgusting what she is doing, and very upsetting for me, how am i supposed to get better now this is starting up again?

I can feel myself getting worse again, i just want to cry all the time, i’m so fed up, but i have to battle through! I’ve been called all the names they can call me already, so nothing new there, i just have to let it go over my head!

I’m exhausted from recovery, i don’t need this happening too, i have to try so hard everyday to get through it, but now it’s even harder!

I can do this right? I can get through this again, i’ve done it before, i know it was hard but i have to do this!

Stay Strong With Me x

We Can Do This!

10 Jul

Thanks to those that got involved in this post!! ūüôā

I know it can seem like the whole World is against you and that you are the only person going through the hard times, while everyone else is having a great time, but really.. are they? :/
It can seem like you are the only person who feels how you feel, and you just want to escape, you just want a break away from everything for a while. You are not alone, no matter what you are going through, someone else is going through it, or has been through it too. You have to stay strong, and believe in yourself because YOU CAN DO THIS!!
It may seem that things will never get better, but believe me, they do ‚̧

Here are a few statistics i found –
1 million people across the globe die by suicide each year. That’s one suicide every 40 seconds. (from samaritans.org)
244,000 people under 19 are carers – about 23,000 are under nine. (from bbc.co.uk)
РThe UK has one of the highest rates of self harm in Europe, at 400 per 100,000 population. (Self-poisoning and self-injury in adults, Clinical Medicine, 2002)
– Almost half (46%) of children and young people say they have been bullied at school at some point in their lives.

I know its hard, but if we can get through it then anybody can, stay strong, and remember, you can do this!
Stay Strong ‚̧

we can do this
Thanks for reading!
Beth ūüėÄ
xoxo

Feel free to contact me, on email missbeth94@hotmail.co.uk on twitter @Hidden_Beth or the facebook page https://www.facebook.com/UnderneathMyMask

Just Another Teen Trying To Find Her Place In The World.

4 Jun

Hey, can i first just ask everyone to get involved in my next blog post? All you have to do is write on a piece of paper or on your hand –
If you have got through something then right “I got through it”
If you are going through something write “I will get through this” or “I can do this!”, and email them to me so i can insert them into the next post – my email is – missbeth94@hotmail.co.uk or tweet them to me @Hidden_Beth

Please get involved!! And please share!
Something like this ..

webcam-toy-photo56
People ask me what i want to do with my life.. loads of thoughts go through my head, but really, my answer is.. i don’t know, and to be honest, i’m definitely not ready to go into the proper ‘big wide world’ yet.

The ‘big wide world’ seems such a scary place, so many people, so many places, and all i can think of is what if even more people start treating me like i was treated in school again? I know that people will say that i won’t be treated like that, but that’s what the things i’ve been through have done to the way i think, i always think of what could go wrong, always the negatives, and i try so hard to say to myself what they positives are too!

I have a boyfriend.. we’ve been together for about 2 months now.. i love him, he knows what i’ve been through, and he tries to understand, but it’s hard if you haven’t been through it yourself. He calls me beautiful, i just laugh at him, he can’t be talking about me, i’m not beautiful! I’ve been called ugly far too many times and my self confidence has dropped far too much for me to think positively about the way i look.

The problem with me is that i am on edge all of the time, so it’s hard to be in a relationship or a friendship with me, the littlest thing or comment can annoy me and i can get so angry over something tiny! I’m on medication that keeps changing all the time until they get it right, my mood is never stable, i cry over tiny things, i don’t want to be alive, i think the worst of everything.
There is positives too though, although i can’t see things that are beautiful about me, i can see things that are beautiful in others, i don’t judge people, i accept people as they are, i try to help people as much as i can, i’m starting to accept the scars that i have, and sometimes (not very often) i walk around with short sleeves instead of big thick jumpers in summer.

It’s so hard to find your place in this world, and some people may never like you no matter how much you try to change for them to like you, it’s important to realise that the people that accept you as you are, they are the important ones, and they are the ones that deserve your friendship.

You are beautiful, you are strong, you can do this.
Take Care ‚̧
Feel free to contact me via email – missbeth94@hotmail.co.uk

tiara

Memories.

17 May

Today i went to pick my friend up from the school that i went to, i’ve never felt so sad before, all the memories just came flooding back to me, i had tears in my eyes, just thinking about how much pain that place gave me.

I’m still so upset, i can’t think of any positives that the school gave me, everything i went through there made me so ill. That is where i started self harming, that is where i walked out to go to the nearest bridge to jump off but my mum got called to come and get me.
They didn’t know what i was planning, they just saw me walk out early and got worried, so they called my Mum to get me.

That place was a horrible place, with horrible memories, and horrible people. 

It didn’t just make me sad, it made me angry too, thinking about all of the teachers there that ‘cared’ about me, well that didn’t last long, as soon as i left, they stopped caring, never called me, never asked about me ever again.
I actually went back inside today, to see if teachers asked how i was etc, but no, nothing just hi, that’s it.

I wish i could write the school a letter, tell them everything i went through during my time there, how i am now, how i can never wear short sleeves again, how i have ended up in hospital a few times due to suicide attempts. They don’t know this is all because of what i went through in their school. They don’t know who else could be going through the same things that i went through in the school. I don’t want anyone else to go through this, in that school, or in ANY school, workplace or ANYWHERE,¬†because don’t you know, bullying doesn’t just happen to young people, it can happen to anyone, any age, any race, any religion etc.¬†

I hope you like this post, i just tell the truth, i’m no one special, just someone who wants to make a difference and be heard.
Nobody should go through this.


Image
Please spread this post!

What Teachers Have To Say

15 May

Hey!

So the Record Of Achievements is coming up at schools, so people are preparing, and teachers are giving advice on how to behave and how to act, dress etc.

I got told today that one teacher said that they didn’t want anyone self harming before the ROA because it will look bad for the school and the pupil. Now that has upset me so much and made me so angry!
Why should they care more about how the school looks, they should care more about the pupil and getting them help to stop the self harming!

I’m coming from a personal experience, i’ve self harmed for so long, i was self harming when i was in school and i never got the help that i needed, and i still don’t have the right help, but i’m getting through it myself.

I can’t even explain how angry i am hearing that this teacher has said this!

 

ImageI found this picture on google, because people don’t realise how hard it is to get through self harm, how alone it can make you feel, how much of a struggle it is, but we are fighters, and we are strong, and we can beat this addiction.

Please stay strong.
If you have any questions, advice, suggestions or you’d like to talk or anything please feel free to email me missbeth94@hotmail.co.uk
Also, please comment below and let me know what you think! Are you annoyed too by reading this?

Your Questions.

10 Apr

Thank you so much for all of your questions! I hope that these may help someone in some way!

Does bullying happen a lot?/Is it very common?
Yes, i think that everyone is bullied at least once at some point in their life. And most of the time it isn’t reported so we don’t know about it, so i think the statistics of bullying are wrong, because some people don’t speak out about it for various different reasons. It doesn’t just happen in schools, it happens in work places too. And it happens to so many people, wrecks so many people’s lives.

Are some people more likely to be bullied than others?
I hate to say it but yes, it’s completely wrong and shouldn’t happen, but the people that are quiet seem to be targeted, like me, i was so quiet and i still am, and sadly some people don’t try to make friends with the quiet people, when really they could be missing out on a great friendship. But for those of you that are quiet, like me, don’t worry because the people who make the effort to get to know you will be real friends!

Why in the World do some people bully others?
I ask this question a lot, and most people say that it’s because they have their own problems, they may not like themselves and they feel better for making someone else not feel good about themselves, they may want attention, they may do it for their ‘popularity’ – i hate that word, why should you bully someone to look good in someone else’s eyes? Just confuses me so much. You don’t have to make yourself look good to others, if you aren’t ‘good enough’ for someone or for a group of people, then they don’t deserve you!

Why does the bullying so often stay a secret?
I guess sometimes the person who is being bullied may be scared to tell someone incase that person you told spoke to the bully, and then you may think it would get worse, that’s what i thought anyway. Or maybe you think that it’s not important, or that the person you are telling is too busy to be dealing with this issue.

What should i do if i’m being bullied?
Tell someone! A teacher, a family member, a friend, a helpline, just speak to somebody, it can feel so lonely going through this on your own so it’s important that you have someone to help you out. And hopefully the bullying should get sorted out, if not (depending on where the bullying is happening) :
School – Headteacher – They can do more than the other staff members so they should help, and its important that you speak to them, and if it doesn’t stop make sure you go back, and keep going back until it is finally stopped!
Work – Boss – Your boss has to make sure that everything is okay at work, and if something isn’t then they have to sort out the problem.
In the community – Police – I know when i got told that i could go to the police, i thought it was a bit strange, but really, they can help you so much, even if you don’t want to tell them names, they can just give you advice.
Just please tell somebody and get it sorted, it hurts so much to go through so the quicker you get out of the situation and its sorted, the better! You shouldn’t have to go through it!

How do you help someone who is being bullied?
Get proper support for them, make sure the bullying is stopped, talk to them about all the options available, make sure they have someone to talk to if something happens, make sure they know they aren’t going through this on their own. Make sure that they know they can change schools if the bullying still doesn’t stop, but really, they shouldn’t have to move school because you should do everything within your power to stop the bullying!

Can you talk about the effects of bullying? Both in terms of behaviors and feelings and states that get created?
The effects of bullying are so serious, people don’t realise how bad they can be. In my experience, the behaviours that i created were, self harming, cutting down my food, exercising more, taking laxatives, attempting suicide on various¬†occasions¬† never feeling good enough, never feeling pretty, became very anxious, stayed in the house a lot, i became angry and very upset, i’d stay in my room most of the time because i’d had enough of people, i just wanted to be alone.

What has helped *you* in your experience of having been bullied, at the time and later on?
Hm the hardest bit to answer of this question would be what helped me while i was being bullied, i don’t think the school were very good with helping me, they did try, and i thank them for that, but they could of done so much more. I had counselling while i was going through this time which was helpful sometimes, urm, therapy was helpful sometimes too, i went to CAMHS, because of my self harm and suicidal thoughts and actions, i was told to go to DBT group, to help me with my self harm. Because of how much weight i lost i had to go to see my GP once a week to get weighed, and she gave me support with other things too, and speaking with charities like samaritans was so helpful! They don’t care what you say to them, they won’t tell anyone, and they just want to help you, and they care so much!

Is there anything you can to help those who are the bullies? Is there anything we can do to affect them and help them change their behaviors?
I guess we can just tell them and show them what their actions and words can do to someone. Find out why they are doing it, and if they are doing it because they have their own problems then get them support for their problems so they can work through it/them. If they are doing it for popularity then just ask why they want to be friends with people who they aren’t good enough for already? Because everyone is good enough, and if people can’t see that then, leave them, you can find better people.

When you were being bullied, were there times when you blamed yourself, thinking it must be something you were doing wrong?
Yes, i used to think it was something i was doing wrong all of the time, i wasn’t doing what everyone else my age was doing, so i just thought it was because of that, but then i realised that its nothing to do with me, its their problem, and even if i did change myself i would still get treated the same, so i decided to just stay the same and be liked for who i really am.

How about describing how it all started, little things that you try &ignore but then get bigger.Many know the affect may not see the start.
It started as really small things really, the odd comment, rumours being spread every now and then, i just thought it would stop after a while, i didn’t think it would ever get worse. And even ¬†though it wasn’t happening much, i still told somebody. It didn’t affect me much at first either, but the more it happened, the more it affected me. I just tried to ignore it, because of how little it happened, but it just got worse in time. And it is so so hard to try and ignore something like this when it is happening to you, i know it sounds so easy when you tell someone to ignore it, but believe me, it’s easier said than done.

How would you explain to family/friends that you aren’t fixed like they think and that you still self harm?
I have this problem so often, especially with summer coming up now. I know that it is so hard to tell someone that you still do it, i guess its easier to write it down? Or one day when someone says something about it, just come out with it and tell them. Or maybe you could get someone else to tell them? Like someone that already knows? Just explain to them that you want someone to know but you are finding it hard to tell them yourself. Don’t go through this on your own.

What do you think are the main causes of bullying?
I think one of the main causes is how judgemental people are, as soon as you see someone its hard not to judge them on their appearance, but just because of how someone looks, you shouldn’t not talk to them. Popularity is a cause of bullying in school, young people care so much about how popular they are with the other people, that they will do things just to get more popular. And also, the person who is doing the bullying, their own problems are what cause them to bully, just like one of the questions above, bullying someone and making that person feel bad, might make them feel better about themselves.

Did your mind make you think that there were more people involved/against you then there actually were?
I guess so after a while yes, because my self esteem and confidence had got so low, so the littlest things would get to me. I knew that some people were just being silly, i knew there were the few ‘main’ people who did it the most.

If you feel depressed or anxious, does music ever help you to feel better?
Yes! I always listen to music when i feel down or anxious, sometimes when i go for a walk on my own i’ll listen to music so that i don’t feel too bad, it kind of takes my mind of feeling anxious a bit. Sometimes when i feel depressed i listen to sad music, which may not be the best idea, but it just helps to listen to someone singing about how you’re feeling, because that’s just another person who’s been through it, and got through it, and i will too.

Did you have a special friend that you could confide in or gain support from?
I had a few friends but they couldn’t really support me, sometimes they’d say something if someone says something to me because in the end i got too afraid to speak back, but i guess sometimes they were quite worried that if they said something they would start bullying them too. I did talk to my friends sometimes about it though.

Do you believe those who harmed you learned how to be better people or are they still harming others?
I hope that they are better people, because they wont get very far in life if they aren’t. But i know that sadly some of them are still the safe, and they probably won’t change, i see them sometimes and they still treat me the same, but i don’t see them very often luckily. And sadly they are harming other too, i wish they would just grow up.

I would never wish badly upon someone, even the way i’ve been treated by these people. I just hope that they can grow up and become better people so that they can get somewhere in life. I’d like to thank them though too, because they have made me who i am today, and to be honest, i like the type of person i am. Yes they may be the reason for all of my problems, but, they are also the reason for why i created this blog, and the reason why i met all of you amazing people!
So, thank you so much bullies.

If you have anymore questions just comment below or, email me missbeth94@hotmail.co.uk or tweet me @Hidden_Beth
And please, take care and stay strong because we CAN get through this!

What About Us?

8 Mar

There are so many helplines for children and young people, and now that i’m reaching the age of 18 i’m starting to worry about not being able to get help.
I’ve had a few people talk to me about bullying in work so i am writing this post.

I haven’t seen any helpines for people being bullied over the age of 18, it seems like people don’t think it happens.
I know i’ve wrote about this before but i keep looking and i don’t really find much, and i’ve had a lot more people come to me and tell me they are being bullied at work so i wanted to write more about it.

Bullying can happen to anyone, of any age, and can happen anywhere. Uni, college, work, school, home, online etc.

Lea’s Story:

 

As a child, I was pretty lucky. Despite always tending to be a tad heavier than the other kids, I wasn’t picked on. Despite being fairly withdrawn and somewhat odd in high school, I was never teased. I survived my school years relatively unscathed. It was not until I reached my early 30’s that I came face-to-face with my bully -my boss.
I worked for a small company with approximately a dozen employees for several years. I successfully worked for one manager and then another earning pay raises and positive annual reviews. Then, I was promoted. My promotion, unfortunately, landed me under the supervision of the second highest ranked person in the office. We’ll call her Stacy.
Stacy was our company’s bully. She’d been with the organization since it’s creation -even longer than the president of the company. She apparently felt very secure in her position and with her status within the company and community. She worked very hard and thrived on her successes.
However, Stacy had issues. She indulged her anger and frustration by shouting at her employees and belittling us in front of one another. Tears often flowed within the walls of our offices. The turnover rate was high. People routinely quit of their own free-will, were forced to resign or were fired. In five years, I can recall six employees (out of a staff of about a dozen) who left. I know, for a fact, three employees sought out counseling to deal with Stacy’s bullying. Essentially, Stacy caused a quarter of her workforce to seek therapy!
Stacy’s worst, and most feared, bullying tactic often took place behind closed doors. During weekly meetings, each staff member under her direct supervision was required to meet with her to provide updates on projects. Stacy seemed to revel in making us squirm. Instead of providing guidance to her employees, she sought to humiliate us at every opportunity. The tone of her voice was both condescending and cruel.
Moreover, she often set her employees up for failure. She assigned tasks that could not possibly be completed on time or the way she wanted them done. She promoted me to a position I was not qualified for because it was easier on her. I was responsible for developing a program from scratch even though I had no background or experience in that particular area. The number of goals she set forth for this program were entirely unattainable -even for someone who knew what she was doing. I failed miserably.
During the course of the two years she was my manager, I slowly unraveled emotionally. Our company was too small to have a human resources department. So there was no one to talk to about my manager’s behavior. The president of our company wanted nothing to do with ‚Äúpersonal‚ÄĚ problems. We employees occasionally talked amongst ourselves seeking encouragement and understanding. However, in a professional setting, it is unwise to complain too much about the boss with fellow co-workers lest your complaints make their way back to the boss.
Eventually, after a certain nasty situation, Stacy decided she really did not like me, did not want to work with me, and essentially made it her mission to get me to quit. The last six months of my employment were dreadful. Stacy gave me the silent treatment. Except when we had an official one-on-one meeting, she did not speak to me. We had fewer and fewer meetings, which was fine with me but also detrimental to my career! She went around me to get information about projects I was working on. She took projects she knew I enjoyed away and left me with projects she knew I didn’t want. Occasionally, she sent me a snarky email. She never smiled at me if we passed in the hall or during our weekly all-hands staff meeting. Being ignored by your boss is terrifying.
At the same time, my job performance declined substantially! After two years of criticism and fear, I think I just gave up. I did become fairly incompetent and a rather bad employee. I was afraid of any sort of confrontation with Stacy, so I hid from her as often as I could. I literally hid in the bathroom when I heard her voice in the halls of our small office building fearing she might pass by -or worse enter- my office. On more than one occasion, I caused myself to throw up, the sound of which was audible outside the small bathroom, so I could leave early. The last few months of employment, I began calling in sick.
Once, I went to my doctor essentially asking for time off! Knowing I have long suffered from depression, he gave me a note for a week out of work so I could attempt to gather myself together! Though, ironically, the bullying I experienced at my job did in fact make me sick. I constantly had stomach aches, headaches and I was diagnosed with Temporomandibular Joint Disorder (I clenched my jaw shut causing pain, which stopped entirely when I no longer worked there). I was also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and prescribed medication.
I wasn’t sleeping well and could not concentrate at work. Some days, during my last few weeks, I sat staring at my computer screen the majority of the day. I typed nothing mindlessly and then deleted it just so it would appear I was working.
From the ages of about 12 to 22, I was a self injurer. After I graduated college, I was able to stop. However, the stress from my boss’ bullying caused me to begin self injuring again. I started scratching myself, something I’d never done before. I knew I was in serious trouble, so I scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I hadn’t been in therapy since college. The trauma of beginning to self injure again and returning to therapy, along with two years of bullying, caused me to have a nervous breakdown of sorts. The day after my first therapy session I went back to my regular doctor and showed him my injuries. He hospitalized me.
I ended up losing my job.
Looking back, I wish I had quit my job and found a new one! Unfortunately, I was too afraid. I was afraid my boss would find out I was looking for a new job and make life worse. In reality, if I went to her and told her I was looking for a new job, she probably would’ve helped me find one (to be rid of me)! But, I also lost confidence in myself and my abilities. I was afraid no other employer would want me. So, I stayed and suffered.
Having a bully at work, especially a bully who is in a position of authority, presents unique problems. Jobs provide essential income for a myriad of living expenses. Losing my job meant losing my ability to pay for my housing, utilities, food, and insurance. For many people, losing a job can literally result in homelessness and hunger! Being bullied at work can seem like a hopeless, no-way-out situation. However, I would encourage anyone who experiences bullying at work to find a way out. Contact human resources if your company has a human resources department. Find a new job, if you feel you need to leave your employer. You may have to take a job in a different field or one that pays less, but it’s worth it. The painful effects of bullying are too great to justify staying and suffering.
Releasing Lunacy
Please note: This post was written exclusively for @Hidden_Beth at https://underneathmymask.wordpress.com/ (because she rocks!). I ask that no one republishes this post (in part or in its entirety) without my written permission. Contact me at releasinglunacy@yahoo.com. Thanks!


*Please comment below with any helplines for people being bullied that support people over the age of 18, or tweet me – @Hidden_Beth, thank you*

My Story.

29 Feb

I am going to tell my story here in a little more detail, there is too much to say for me to say everything but, here’s a bit of my story.

I was looking forward to high school, a new place, new people, new start. ¬†I had a few friends that were going to the same school so i wasn’t too worried. On the first day we just got to know the other people in our tutor class and got shown around the school.
So many new faces. I am such a quiet person, and maybe i come across as an unfriendly person too, i’m not sure. But anyway, a few people took a ‘dislike’ to me. They just laughed at me and that didn’t really affect me too much, it made me self concious but it wasn’t really bothering me at the time because i just thought they would grow up and stop it.

In English lessons we had to read out loud to the rest of the class, English was my favourite lesson but then when we started to do this reading out loud things changed. ¬†The people who didn’t really like me started to laugh while i was reading and make comments about me. The teacher just shouted at them which stopped them for that lesson but the next time was the same. The teacher used to choose who would read so i’d pretend to already be reading or to be busy so that she wouldn’t pick me.
In our Food Tech lessons they would throw food at me, throw flour in my hair etc. Stare at me, laugh at me, make comments. If i was asked a question they would just laugh if i got the answer wrong and say that i was stupid.

I’d go into the school canteen to get my dinner and they would make comments saying that i was fat. In the end i started to go to the library instead because i knew they never really went in there. When they walked past the library they would shout through the door and call me a ‘boffin’. I tried to stay away from them as much as i could. When the bell went for the start of next lesson i’d have to walk past them, they would put their feet out infront of me to try and trip me up, or they would push me against the wall or against other people.

I’d also walk down the corridor¬†and have comments made at me, they’d say i was ugly, a slag, fat, useless, waste of space, and so many other things. Some of the people that made comments didn’t even know me, they hadn’t been in a class with me, they didn’t even know my name!

I had been told that i was fat so many times, i cut down on how much i was eating and i started exercising a lot, after leaving sixth form my eating got worse. I haven’t been diagnosed with an eating disorder so i can’t say i have one, but i have lost a lot of weight because they said i was fat.

If they said things to me i wouldn’t reply, i’d just ignore them because that is what i had been told to do. At some point i decided that just ignoring them wasn’t working so i said something back to them, after this they got worse, they just kept repeating the thing that i had said to them.

The bullying didn’t stop when i got home, it would happen online too, people would make fake facebook profiles and add me, they would make¬†statuses about me, put pictures up of someone they thought was ‘ugly’ and tag me in them, make profiles about me, spread more rumours about me, it never stopped.
One day i went out for a walk at night so i could phone the samaritans, i went to my local park so i could be alone and so no one could hear me, i heard some people talking so i started walking home, they started to shout at me saying “what the fuck are you doing here you ugly bitch” they started to walk behind me so i started walking faster, they were still shouting at me, calling me a lot of names, they started running after me swearing at me, there was a big group of them and only one of me. They were so close to catching me but i made it home before they could.
Another day i was in the park with a friend and these people were just walking into the park as we were going to walk out, they stood at the gate and held it closed so we couldn’t get out, they were just standing there not letting us leave, they started to make comments about us, i just ignored them and waited for them to let us leave.

One year i lost all of my friends because of rumours that were being spread about me, i spent a few months alone and not having anyone to talk to. I’d see my ‘friend’s’ in lessons but they had turned into bullies now too, they made comments about me. In the end it got sorted out by a teacher but i still can’t forget what happened with them.

I had a cousin that was in the same year as me but he was totally different to me, he was ‘popular’ and i wasn’t. He was in one class with me, i’d try to speak to him but he would ignore me because he cared more about his popularity than his family. He thought that if he was seen talking to me that would affect his ‘popularity’. He would laugh along with the comments made about me, and sometimes he would make his own. When he found out that i had been in a car crash he said he didn’t care.

So many times i had been to teachers to try and sort this out, i’d been to so many different teachers. One teacher told me ¬†they couldn’t help because they weren’t in my class, another said to just ignore them. In year 11 it started getting worse again, i had been in a car crash, and had a few weeks off school, when i got back i was told that it ‘would of been good if you died’ and at some point i was also told that i deserve to die.
After everything i had been through with these people i started to get really low, and i started to self harm. I started getting thoughts of suicide, and sometimes i had acted on them. I was given counselling, and then because of my ‘suicidal and self harming behaviours’ i was referred to CAMHS (Child and¬†adolescent¬†mental health service) where i was finally diagnosed with depression and social anxiety which i still suffer with now.

I finished my GCSE’s and then i did one year of sixth form where i was still being bullied, after the first year of sixth form i decided not to go back for the second year because of the bullying. I couldn’t put myself through another year of that. I was also too scared to go to college or to get a job, so at the moment, i am doing nothing, no job, no education, and this is why i wish there was a place like Red Balloon for people 18+.

Although i have been through all of this and so much more that i haven’t wrote about, i wouldn’t change my past at all, it has made me who i am today, and it has made me meet all of the amazing people i have met on twitter. The bullies made me a better person!

Try To Understand.

10 Feb

As a victim of bullying i’ve had people tell me a lot of different things to do or not to do. Some people don’t understand some of the things they shouldn’t say to victims of bullying, so i’m writing this to help them understand.

“Just ignore them, they’ll stop soon” – Don’t tell any victim of bullying this because it doesn’t matter how long the bullying lasts, it has emotional affects and the person being bullied should not just ignore them, they should go and get help from someone, whether it be a teacher, friend, family member.
“Don’t tell anyone about it because it will make it worse” – This is a lie, telling someone you are being bullied can help stop the bullying and can make you feel less alone and it can be a relief knowing you have someone you can tell, if the bullying ever gets worse more should be done to stop the bullies.
“Fight back” – If you fight back you will get into trouble too.
“Don’t show them that it is affecting you” – Do you know how hard this is? I’ve tried this. I went through¬† a year of doing this, it doesn’t work, and it is far from easy, if someone calls you ugly can you pretend not to care? I know that this¬†CAN be affective sometimes¬†but it is so hard to do.

Some things you can do:
– Keep a diary of what happens to you and show it to a teacher at the end of every week or at the end of everyday.
– Tell a teacher, they can speak to the bullies and help stop them.
– Make sure other teachers know so that they can keep an eye out for anything happening.
– Ask about counselling to help you deal with the emotional side of what is happening.
– You can get advice from other people that have been through bullying and see what helped them deal with it.
– If the bullies aren’t stopping speak to the headteacher.
– When out of school you can speak to helplines, they can give you advice on what to do.

Stay strong, don’t let them break you.

A Day In The Life Of A Victim.

20 Jan

This was what school was like for me most days, and a lot of other people have to go through similar things.
I don’t want your sympathy, i¬†just want bullying to finally be stopped, and I want other victims to realise they aren’t alone, and we have to fight and stand together to stop this.

As soon as the alarm goes off you start worrying about what school will be like today. You hope that maybe the people who bully you won’t be in today so you can have one day that’s different from the others.
You go to wait for the bus worrying about who else will be on the bus, or where you’ll sit if there are some bullies on the bus. As you get on the bus you see people looking at you, you think they’re just looking at you because you’re so ‘ugly’ as this is what you have been called so many times. You sit down alone and hope this will soon be over. On the bus you listen to music so you can’t hear their comments if they make any.

You arrive at school and go straight to somewhere you can be alone, the library, a classroom, anywhere to be alone. As the bell goes you start walking up to tutor worrying about who you will see on the way to your classroom. You walk with your head down so you can watch for their feet trying to trip you up, and so you can’t see if they say something to you, you can hear what they say but just not being able to see them say it directly to you makes it somehow better because then you think maybe it wasn’t said to you.

You sit down in your seat worrying about who is around, you look behind you because you are used to people throwing things at you from behind. When the teacher arrives it is a relief because they won’t be too bad when there is a teacher around.
You get scared when a teacher asks you to answer a question because if you get that question wrong the bullies laugh at you and call you stupid, it’s weird how they laugh at you but not other people who get the questions wrong. If you know the answer to a question you still don’t answer it because you’re scared they’ll call you names for getting the answer right.

Whenever the teacher leaves a classroom you get scared because this is when the bullies start again, throwing things at you, shouting at you, “you fat slag” “loser”. You just ignore them and concentrate on your work. You do think about leaving the classroom but you worry that they might know you left because of them and you wouldn’t want them to know this so you just sit and pretend you don’t care when really you do.

When dinner time comes you go straight to somewhere you can be alone and somewhere you know they won’t go. The library was somewhere I¬†went every single break time so I felt safe.
I was someone who never ate dinner at school because I was scared to go to the canteen because I knew they went there and I just wanted to stay away from them.

The end of the day seems like the best thing ever.
This was just a normal day for you.

This was what school was like for me when I¬†was there, I¬†have now left. So many other people have to go through something similar. This shouldn’t happen, school should be a safe place for us to learn, you shouldn’t fear going to school. This needs to be stopped.
Together we can stop it.

I am speaking up for every other victim of bullying, I will not be silenced. Please help me get my voice heard.
Thank you.