Every Moment Matters

Hi Guys.. It’s been a while!!

Thought i’d do an update so you guys know how i’m getting on 🙂

 

There’s a lot to update on.. so here we go..

I am so happy, that’s right, i, me, i never thought i could be this happy, i am so lucky. I am so lucky because i have come so far and i have made it this far, not on my own, with the support of you guys, my family, my friends, the people around me, i have made it through a lot of bad stuff as you guys know, and do you know what, i don’t regret anything i have done or been through as it has made me who i am today.

I am still working as a support worker with the elderly, i love my job, yes it is stressful and demanding in all ways, but i still love it, i work for the moment of happiness i can give people, and i work to put a smile on their faces. I went to a lady the other evening and she wanted to get into bed, i assisted her with this, and do you know what she said to me.. she said ‘why can’t they all be like you’ and then the tears came, she said that about me!! I couldn’t believe it!! I gave her a big hug.

I am in a very happy relationship, i am living with him now, i am so in love, he treats me so well and is so supportive of me, i am so lucky in all ways.

I believe that everything that happened tested me, and i nearly gave in, but i made it through it all, and i am so glad i did.
Thank you so much for reading this! 🙂

STAY STRONG! ❤
Beth

It’s okay to be a glowstick, sometimes we need to break before we shine.

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Faded The View Of Myself

Hi guys!

I just wanted to post about life after bullying, obviously this can vary depending on everyone’s different experiences but I just wanted to make people realise the affects of bullying, not only are there serious effects on the person during the bullying but this could affect the individuals future after the bullying too!

I would love to one day forget all those nasty words that were said, but I am still living in the picture they painted of me, that ugly, fat girl. I often cry when I look at myself in the mirror as I am disgusted with what I see standing in front of me. The bullies have faded the view I have of myself, 4 years on and I’m still struggling.

My low self esteem affects me everyday, I just want to feel pretty and good enough for myself but I can’t see that ever happening, I am so unhappy with the way I look. My boyfriend is very good and supportive with me, he tells me I am beautiful but I just can’t see it, I feel so ugly all the time, and I have to admit I take a lot of pictures of myself to try and make myself feel pretty, and to try to say to myself ‘oh that’s a good picture of me’ but I just don’t see myself anything other than ugly.

It’s horrible to think that’s it’s been 4 years since I left school and I’m still letting it affect my life, but those years of bullying have really affected me and probably always will in some way!

Sorry for the negative post guys ❤️

Born To Care

2 years is a long time but it has gone so quick in my Job as a support worker with the elderly, and I must say I still absolutely love it. It is such a rewarding job, I have grown in confidence since I started there, I find it funny talking to one of the residents, he used to name me ‘the quiet one’, but a few days ago he said ‘you aren’t the quiet one anymore’ because I have come out of my shell and have grown as an individual.

The job role varies, we assist with medication, personal care, shopping, end of life care and just the individuals day to day lives. We have people with learning disability and mental illness, we have been hit, screamed at, kicked at, but we do this job because.. Well.. We care! This job isn’t for everyone, a lot of people say they don’t know how we can do it, but we love what we do

Unfortunately they have decided to drop our wages and I won’t be able to afford to stay in this job anymore, which is so sad because I love it where I am, and I really don’t want to leave, but unfortunately health care is a very poorly paid job! I’ll keep hold of all the memories and hopefully continue to grow as an individual in another job.

Healed But Still Hurting

Hey Guys,

Yesterday I was brave, I went into my old school as I was picking someone up, and I must say I am proud of myself that I could go in but.. I was expecting too much when I was there.

As i have mentioned in previous posts about the child protection teacher who had a lot of involvement with me, due to my suicidal thoughts and actions, well, I seen her while I was there, and I was hoping and expecting her to be shocked to see me, and for her to come over to speak to me, but i didn’t even get a hello, and it really hurt!

Now I must stay open minded or it’s going to hurt more, so she may not of recognised me, but I haven’t changed that much!

I hope this post doesn’t sound stupid, it’s just made me think maybe I’m not 100% over the past if I can get hurt by something this small, but that lady means a lot to me and I was just hoping for a hello and a hug!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Hi Guys!

So it has been a very long time since i did a post, i have so much to update you guys on!

It’s strange looking back on how things used to be for me, everything is so different now! Everyone has good and bad days, i do still struggle every now and then but i have so much support behind me!

I am still currently working as a support worker with elderly people, i absolutely love my job, it is hard at times, but i can’t see myself doing any other job, this is so rewarding, just helping these people with their day to day lives. I have been doing this for over 2 years now, and i still love it!

At the moment i am back off my medication, and i am doing OK, up and down but i am managing well. A big struggle for me at the moment is the scarring i have from when i was self harming, if anyone has any advice/guidance on this please let me know, i am terrified of being judged as i had been in school, so i am unsure of what to do other than covering them up, don’t get me wrong, i am not embarrassed of what i did to survive my breakdown, i am proud of the fact i made it through such a dark time! I just know how judgmental people can be unfortunately!

I am currently dating! After splitting up with my last boyfriend after a long time of being together, these things happen, things don’t work out but we just have to carry on, and move on when we are ready! This new guy is so nice, he picks me up when i am down definitely, he tells me i am beautiful, it is so strange as i don’t see myself as beautiful, i have very low self confidence, and i am very self conscious of my body, it is quite hard being in a relationship when you have issues with how you look but.. it is going so well! It is hard when you leave someone, but i wasn’t happy, and i deserve to be happy, everyone deserves to be happy! I am now much happier!

Love and hugs to you all! Keep smiling ❤ 

 

Life Is Beautiful.

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one” – this is one of my favourite quotes and i believe in it 100%. Although you may never be able to fully forget something that is in the past, you can at least learn to live knowing that it happened but, at the same time, stop letting it control your life.

Life is never going to be easy, there are always going to be ups and downs, but you just have to take the bad with the good, and remember things always get better, maybe not straight away, but eventually.

Sadly there are some nasty people in the World, but there are also plently more lovely people.

If you don’t believe that things are going to get better, just please believe me, i used to think that, but now, life is amazing and beautiful, it just takes a while to see that after going through difficult times.

If you ever need a chat, there are so many helplines out there, but also, you can drop me an email – missbeth94@hotmail.co.uk

Smiles, hugs and good wishes to you all,
Beth xxxx

Mental Health Services..

HI GUYS!! How are you all doing?
It’s been.. a long time..

I’m doing great.. 😀 i have a job.. well.. i’m waiting to start my job.. but i got it!! YAY!! I didn’t get into university BOOHOO! But i’ll try again next year, i’m being positive 🙂

I’m in a ranting mood, i seen another blog post by my lovely friend Natalie (http://thingswillgetbetteroneday.blogspot.co.uk/) about mental health services.. and well.. that put me in a blogging mood because i just think people need to talk about how they feel the mental health services do.. and well.. they aren’t doing great. They are failing so many people, although they help so many i know, they also don’t even look at some of us.

I was with CAMHS until i was 18, recieving support once every week, which was great and so helpful at the time, but as soon as i turned 18 i had to leave and was referred onto adult mental health services, i had an assesment with them where basically they said they couldn’t help me, i left in a shock, i’d gone from getting support once a week to absolutely nothing! This didn’t help at all, infact it made my mental health worse for a short while, as it was hard getting used to the whole no support thing..

I think they need to set something up for those people who are just leaving CAMHS, maybe if adult mental health services can’t offer them anything, they need to put something in place so they don’t go from having loads of support to having nothing.. does that make sense? It could push people off the edge, to have such a big change, especially when these people have no support elsewhere..

Does anyone agree? 🙂

Love and hugs to you all ❤

Beth xxxx

 

Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

Hey guys!
It’s been a long time since i’ve posted so this one is very much needed!
I hope you’re all doing okay, i’m sorry i’ve been so quiet, just been really busy with college! I am always here though, if you ever want me or need me, i’m only a message away ♥

I just wanted to write a post with a bit of advice really to those readers who may still be being bullied, or those who are still struggling with the bullying that was in their past.

I know how hard it is to get those comments, and how hard it is to get up everyday just knowing what you are going to have to put up with today, how hard it is to see those people who bully you, how much anger you have for them. Believe me though when i say this, in the future you will be thankful that they put you through what they did, because what they are doing is only making you stronger, and i know this may sound absolutely stupid, but take it from someone who has been there. You may feel so low and so sensitive, but when you come out of this, when all this finally stops, you will be so much stronger, and you will be such a good person, if you let yourself be. You’ve been through this pain, you can say “i don’t want anyone else to go through that” and you can be such a kind person, not judge anyone and not say a bad word to or about anyone, i know right now you won’t be able to see any positive in what you are going through, what you are going through shouldn’t be happening, and more needs to be done to stop it.

Those names they call you, they aren’t true, you’re beautiful, everyone is beautiful, everyone is unique, don’t listen to what they have to say, do they even know you? Have they been your friend, do they know what you are like? Or have they just judged you and decided it would be fun to make your life miserable? I still don’t understand how these people can do this, i mean.. why would you want to call somebody names so that they feel so bad about themselves that they want to change.. they don’t feel good enough for anyone anymore.. i just don’t get it.. I know people say it’s because they have their own problems or that they have low confidence about themselves but.. no i still don’t understand,

Believe me when i say you are good enough, you deserve to be happy, you deserve a great future full of happiness and nothing like this. I know it’s hard at the moment, but things get better, and i really do mean that! I’ve been in your shoes, i’ve been so low that i didn’t want to be alive, i’ve starved myself because these people told me i was fat, so i needed to change right? WRONG! We don’t need to change ourselves, these people will never like us and will never be our friends, so why should we change ourselves for them? We’re great just the way we are, and anyway.. nobody is perfect, not even them!

Just remember guys, you do matter and you are so important!
And things will get better, the future is bright although you may not be able to see the light yet ♥

I’m always thinking of you guys, and i’m only a message away,
Stay Strong,
Beth xxxx

The Sun Will Shine Again.

I know at times the World can seem horrible and it seems like you are in this alone but please believe me, things can change.

One of my favourite quotes is “Darkness only exists so you can see the stars shine”, i used to have a diary that i’d write in or just read when i was feeling low, it wasn’t a proper diary, it was full of quotes that i liked and that meant something to me, this being one of them.
It can seem like everyone is against you and there is no one out there who really cares, but really there is, and most of them still keep their eye out for me now, whether that be on twitter or on this blog, they like to hear from me and know that i am doing well, and you know, that feels great, knowing that they’ve been there through my low and dark moments, but that they are also here with me through my higher moments too! I know things aren’t always going to be good everyday but you just have to look for the bits that are good in each and every day.

All of you people who read this blog have seen my posts when i may not of been in a very good place, but now i’ve turned things around, one day i just decided that it’s my life, and i can do what i want, why should those people who made my life miserable continue to even when they aren’t around me anymore.. i’m not in school anymore so why carry on the emotional pain? Why should they have control over how i feel and over what i do with the rest of my life? It may sound easy, it wasn’t, it was such a hard decision to make, to just stop letting this pain take control of my life, to actually get out of the house and to socialise, which is still so VERY SCARY!
I may not be 100% better but i’m on my way there, i’m happier, and guess what, i don’t self harm anymore either! That was one of the hardest things, trying to stop an addiction, because it is an addiction, whether people agree with me or not, it’s an addiction just like being addicted to drugs, you think about it all the time, you need it all the time.

My mental health is still not great, my medication gets changed regularly until they can find something that actually works, i’ve lost count of how many different medications i’ve been on now, but it’s all just part of my journey 🙂

I’m not angry at those who put me through what they did, i’m glad i went through it, it has made me stronger and more aware of other people and how they could be feeling, it has made me want to help others and do more to help stop bullying and those who might be going through it.

If i can ever be of any help to anyone please just let me know, and please, stay strong
@Hidden_Beth
missbeth94@hotmail.co.uk

New Start

I have some news 🙂

I started college this week, i was so nervous, i didn’t know anyone, i’ve never been there before so i didn’t know my way around etc,

I can’t let the people in my past control my future, i want to have a job and a life, and i have to make a new start to be able to do that, i’m not going to be able to forget what happened to me, but i just have to stop letting it control me.
So i’ve started college, on a course that i want to do, something that i’m interested in and something that i want to work in, and i’m going to work so hard, and try my best, my concentration and memory is still terrible due to my mental health but i can only try!
The college has a lot of support services aswell, i’m going to look at seeing a counsellor just so i can get a bit of extra support and talk about my worries etc.

My first day was so scary, but i made it!
If i can do it, you can do it too!
Be strong!

“Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”

Stay Strong, you’re so important and you can make it through this ❤
Love Beth xoxo